I don't even remember when I started to see what he was doing.
When it started, I would awake in tattered clothes with a pounding headache, with no clue where I was. I would be placed in the impossible position of trying to explain whomever came across me that I was not a threat, and that I didn't have the power to control him.
At the very beginning I had no clue what was even going on, feeling that I was just a horrible sleep walker, and told others that they were imagining his existence. I was hounded by the military to help them stop him, and at first, I didn't even know what "him" was.
Now, I can see every thing that he does. Trapped inside, there is nothing I can do but pray that he stops. Uncontrollable rage, wanton destruction, mindless carnage- and I have no choice but to watch. I can't even close our eyes.
For some time I have been trying to will him to stop. With every lunge, I have pulled with all my might the other way. I have screamed from inside, but the only sound I can hear are his fists smashing against whatever happens to be in their way.
The army is only doing their job- they stand in his way to try to stop him. It is fruitless, and only enrages him further. I still have nightmares about the first one I saw him kill. The soldier was firing his weapon right at our eyes, I could see the bullets bouncing off of us. He strode towards the boy, he was so young, and the behemoth effortlessly snapped his spine. He tossed his lifeless body aside, glaring at the other soldiers - warning them that their fate would be the same. Their bravery was admirable, if not stupid, in the face of an unstoppable juggernaut.
There have been so many since that I have lost count. I am trapped inside the embodiment of death, with no choice but to watch. My sanity has been lost to the unimaginable body count. It is in the thousands.
It is my fault. I was responsible for the explosion that transformed us. I was a fool to dabble in such maniacal pursuits. I was a greater fool to let the army exploit me. And my reward? A life repeatedly witnessing unspeakable horrors from the best seat in the house.
Knowing what I know now, I have to assume responsibility for his actions. I am no longer willfully blind to everything that he does. I am the only one who bears the remorse for his actions- he feels nothing but rage, and the angrier he gets, the more he destroys. And I know it is going to happen again. I have a responsibility to his next victim.
I have tried to hide in the desert. I have tried to keep him away from anything of value to destroy. He lives on adrenaline, and when it exhausts him, or when he needs fuel, I take over again. Eating in the desert is a challenge, but the sacrifice is worth it - there is much death here, but none cause by our hands. Until they find us again. The so called heroes that think they can help me, us. He casts them aside. Those who have tried to use his strength to satiate their desperate greed for power have been thwarted. Everyone who comes into contact with him is hurt - or their loved ones are when they find out what happened.
I have tried to surrender. You can imagine how well that worked out. By surrendering, I only created more victims.
I tried to have myself sedated. That worked until the nightmares took over.
I have worked to find a cure, and for a brief time, I was in control. I could harness his strength and use it for, well, good. I used science to control the reaction that transformed us. I failed when the same science couldn't undo my madness, and when I lost control, he came back stronger and more resilient to run amok. It will never stop- unless I stop him now.
When I am gone, he will die with me. It is my soul trapped deep down inside of him. Without me, he will cease to exist. Many have thought that I have been lost inside forever- and they are right. I have lost all of the people close to me - either through his rage, or by electing to protect them. If I stay away, he can't hurt them, or destroy what is left of my legacy.
There is only one solution - my death. But how can I kill myself without him emerging? When I am threatened, he takes over. When I am injured, he takes over. When I get mad, I lose control, and he returns.
I am trapped, and powerless to do anything but watch. I grieve for the loss of life that I have caused. Betty, I'm so sorry.
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