My mind is a prison.
I have been trapped inside of it since I was a boy.
When I was younger, people thought I was the most creative person they ever met. None of the ideas where mine - I took them from the thoughts of other people. I excelled in school, but didn't know why. It was because I could read their minds.
I knew what people wanted before they would say. I knew their hopes and dreams. I knew what would make them happy.
I also took their nightmares. And when I would wake up screaming, I was living their darkest fears. And even though I was awake, their nightmares wouldn't stop. I was alone in the nightmares of another, and I couldn't turn it off. I couldn't stop the living terror. What is difficult for an adult was devastating for a child. And I knew, I felt, their deepest darkest fears. I was welcome, in their nightmares.
Eventually, I learned to help them through it- out of a sense of self-preservation.
As I grew, I honed my ability to look into the thoughts of others. I would catch glimpses of their hopes and fears. Before I matured, I would use it against them. I manipulated others for my own benefit.
Then I learned I could control them.
What I believed was the power of suggestion was actually the ability to make other people my puppets. I could make them submit themselves to my will. At first, I did it for my amusement, my own venial pleasure. I did it when I saw something wrong. I did it when I could fix a broken heart. I did it when I wanted the heart for myself. I did it because someone was rude to another. I did it because I could. If I wanted to, I could have ruled the world. With a thought I could stop a man's heart through his mind.
I robbed people of their experiences because I believed that it was right. I healed them, without knowing that because of me, it would always hurt like the first time. I kept people from the pain that made them stronger. There was nothing anyone could do to stop me.
Until I slept and the terror would take over again. It was fitting that I would bend people to my will during the day, and have their subconscious minds attack me at night. Once, in defending myself from the carnage, I killed a woman I knew. Was it really self defence? Or was I provoking her by stealing glances into her soul?
It was when I realised that I was living the most depraved and evil existence that I decided that had to stop myself. Manipulating others to do my bidding, increasing my wealth at their peril, lusting after them with the knowledge I gleamed from their thoughts. I couldn't stop myself. It was an addiction. I became so preoccupied with the thoughts of others that I forgot to live my own life.
The temptation to manipulate was so great- it drove me insane. Every waking thought was dedicated to resisting the temptation of looking into another man's mind. I did it because I could - I had the access, and they had no way to stop me. The only solution was isolation - though I remained connected to every person I had looked in on before. I had to concentrate so hard on staying out of other's minds that I lost control of my own body. Concentrating so hard on keeping my own mind in check, in control, that I lost control of my legs. I am now trapped in this chair because of my inability to keep myself focused. I dream of a mental block - but know that none is forthcoming - but understanding that I could remove one that you have.
Today, I have grown so strong that by concentrating I could end the life of a tyrant on the other side of the globe. I could end wars with my thoughts. I could end international disputes. I could affect the outcome of every election. I could become the king of all men. And my rule would be no less tyrannical than any other democracy- they would still believe they had choice. But I can't do it. Humanity has to make their own mistakes- and they can't live free under a different tyrant. In many ways, I am a god.
From time to time I will use my power to stop the most heinous of acts. It is a constant struggle to know where the bright line is in field of murky black and white. It is okay to stop a murder, but not to stop a?? I cannot become the world's policeman, but at times, I have no choice knowing that not stopping any given atrocity will keep it on my conscience- the only one in the world I can't control.
I met Magnus, who was my best friend and my enemy. He had great power, but lacked responsibility. He only saw his ends. His means where, in his words, evolution. Enslaved for what he was, he saw no humanity in them. He saw only fear and devastation - he saw his power as a tool for revenge, for domination. He wouldn't listen to my experiences. Our battles are the second hardest ones to face. My greatest battle was with myself.
I remain trapped in my mind. Unable to look outside of it for fear that I will be tempted again to control others for my own ends. Every second the temptation to look strikes again. To help, to pry, to understand- I can't trust myself to listen to the words that are spoken to me. I have to find out if it is true.
No one can understand just how alone I am. I can talk to anyone at anytime, but not without invading their privacy. Not without violating their rights. Not without being tempted to take the conversation farther. I can't get close to someone without the desire to look deeper - to see how they really feel. Asking seems so...stupid. I will never love because I will never trust - why bother when I can find out the truth for sure?
I am so alone because I have no self control.
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