Friday, January 30th

There are so many things that I miss.

Not about you, but about life in general.

It seems that as I age, and I do it at an alarmingly slow rate, I still forget all the things that have made me so happy I cried. With or without a whisper, I can the memories from time gone by.

I miss singing down the street - and acting like no one cares. I miss dancing to Journey in bars, often on speakers. I miss the quiet moments before the jubilation. Of what, I have no idea.

I can't recapture my youth. I tried, with a butterfly net.

I wish I knew how to make each second perfect - making it always enjoyable, instead of using one minute to pay for the next.

People are drawn to me because I entertain them. I crave it you know- the attention - the laughs. That makes me shallow in a very bizarre way. But I think it is eerily genuine. It often makes me lonely though - because I crave attention from so many places. It is a tacky jerry mcguire syndrome. The crowd will always call for more.

I think I have settled - am I going to be happy by staying here and being the person I am?

I admire those who have the courage and the strength to seize what they want - and even if it isn't youth you are seizing, it is most certainly life.

Deep down, I really wish that I could make a difference. I don't know what that means, but I know it isn't doing what I am doing now. I might actually impede progress.

My ego has driven me to succeed and that success has always been measured compared to the other things people have. Not what they have done, persae, because so few of the people I know have actually done anything for society on the whole. It is a very high bar and so many people define it differently.

I wish I could understand what it meant to be truly happy - it has to be more than waking up and plodding along through life.

I try to exude happiness, but it is a masquerade.